Lady Caroline Lamb’s whole disgraceful truth… Part Fifteen ~ The true traumas of a Regency marriage between two young people

It may surprise you, and I know it would surprise some people who think themselves knowledgeable about history as I have had people comment to me that it would be ridiculous for a young lady in the Regency period to be truly innocent and know nothing about sex. You would probably think it doubly ridiculous if you know Caroline’s Lambs upbringing, and the fact that she lived in the Devonshire household which was full of both women and men having clandestine physical relationships and numerous illegitimate children. Yet every element of the letters by Caroline and her female cousins, and those communicating with them, all indicate that the young women, brought up in the Devonshire household and the company around them, really did have no idea what was going on behind the closed doors in the houses where they lived (even though Caroline had once actually walked in on her mother). So Georgiana, the Duke, and Caroline’s mother and father, and her brothers and uncles, and cousins, had all successfully managed to disguise their activities before the girls.

Before I tell you more about how Caroline’s innocence impacted on her marriage, though, here is the history behind this series of posts for anyone joining today, but if you usually read these posts then just skip to where I have marked the text in bold.

I was drawn to Lady Caroline Lamb, who lived in the Regency era, because Harriette Wilson the courtesan who wrote her memoirs in 1825, mentions the Ponsonby and the Lamb family frequently. Also the story of Caroline’s affair with Lord Byron captured my imagination. Caroline was also a writer, she wrote poems, and novels in her later life. I have read Glenarvon.

Her life story and her letters sucked me further into the reality of the Regency world which is rarely found in modern-day books. Jane Austen wrote fictional, ‘country’ life as she called it, and I want to write fictional ‘Regency’ life rather than simply romance. But what I love when I discover gems in my research like Caroline’s story is sharing the real story behind my fiction here too.

Lady Caroline Lamb was born Caroline Ponsonby, on the 13^th November 1785. She was the daughter of Frederick Ponsonby, Viscount Duncannon, and Henrietta (known as Harriet), the sister of the infamous Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire.

Caroline became an official lady when her grandfather died, and her father became Earl of Bessborough earning her the honorific title ‘Lady’ and she grew up in a world of luxury, even Marie Antoinette was a family friend. Caroline was always renowned as being lively, and now it is suspected she had a condition called bipolar. As a child she earned herself a title as a ‘brat’, by such things as telling her aunt Georgiana that Edward Gibbon’s (the author of The Decline and fall of the Roman Empire) face was ‘so ugly it had frightened her puppy’.

And when she grew up Byron once described Caroline as “the cleverest most agreeable, absurd, amiable, perplexing, dangerous fascinating little being that lives now or ought to have lived 2000 years ago.”

When Caroline married William she was nineteen and he was six years her senior, from her letters and their recorded communication, it’s very apparent that Caroline was shocked by the goings on in her marriage bed. I read in one book that the couple knew their duty, implying that was why Caro fell pregnant quickly. But everything about their recorded relationship, a marriage declared as a love match, that describes both of them being desperate to be with one another, and sharing a bed every night after their marriage, implies that there was no duty involved in their marriage bed, and as I said the episode before last William was from an open family, who had a reputation for being lustful. I think their marital relationship would have been very active in the bedroom, and I think William did not hesitate in educating Caro on what to do and how to respond. Certainly a couple of years later Caroline records a conversation where she advises William’s brother’s new wife on how to accept the Lamb brothers’ lustful behavior, and the conversation implies the amount by which Caroline’s eyes had been opened.

William’s response to Caroline’s naivety, and belief in religion, and the finer behaviours and attitudes, is impatience. He is an atheist, he has no need to feel guilt or wait to be judged, and he mocks Caro for her sensibility, sense of righteousness and her conscience. In William’s view such things were childish and part of her naivety – he may have been wishing he had not mocked her when she was older.

Imagine it though… Caroline was brought up a strong Christian, by her grandmother, she had never questioned or doubted that God was real and that all the bible said was true, so to then marry a man you loved who believed it all nonsense and took great pleasure in telling you it was all nonsense, it must have had quite an impact on Caro. It must have felt like having your feet knocked out from under you to suddenly have all your morals and standards questioned; why you were alive, and what would happen to you when you died.

William called her beliefs ‘superstitions‘ and so while the couple were one minute, as I said last week, bedding down together on sofas after dinner, being very overly affectionate with one another in public, they were at other times recorded as arguing to the point Caroline threw the china at William to silence him, in her anger and frustration.

I laughed when I heard about one of their recorded arguments – this is a trait I have put into a couple of my characters – before I read this – because I believe personalities in 2014 are the same as those forever, and I know someone who would do this now. But here is more evidence of what I believe.

So on this occasion the argument was abruptly silenced by William simply walking out. He left the house and then contacted Caro to say he had gone out ‘on business‘ and would not be home until late.

One thing, though, Caroline may have been riding a roller coaster of emotions while she settled into her marriage, but she was not the quiet simpering Miss, playing to her husbands’ greater intelligence and domineering nature. Not to be out done, Caro went out too, (funnily enough that was my reaction when the same was done to me) she called for a carriage and rode over to the her aunt’s, The Duchess of Devonshire’s, for dinner with her aunt and with Caro’s cousin Harryo. She did not cease her retaliation at that either. She actually sent her wedding ring home to William and put some rouge on her cheeks, and some gaudy jewelry, and then went to the theater with Harryo.

It is the little things like her applying rouge that imply to me there were many potentially shocking comments made between her and William when William was educating her in the marriage bed, and about the truth of life.

When Caro admitted to Harryo that she had had a ‘tiff‘ with William, Harryo wrote to G, which is how we know the facts 😉 Thank you Harryo!

But soon after this Caroline’s mother recorded finding the two of them sitting in one chair reading… They were literally the same sorts of spats any couple might have today 😀

Here, though, is an interesting poem Caro wrote at the time, about a bewildered young woman who cannot protect her heart from the assault of a friend, which seems to express her own confusion, and her internal tug of war, to be so attracted and in love with William and yet to hate so many of the things he was saying…

Winged with Hope & hushed with joy,

See you wanton blue-eyed boy

Arch his smile, & keen his dart

Aim at Laura’s youthful heart!

How could he his wiles disguise

How deceive such watchful eyes?

How so pure a breast inspire,

Set so you a Mind on fire?

….

Now I know there tyrant boy

Who can worlds of bliss destroy

Yet oh speak tho’ all in vain

Speak and bless me once again

Better twice a dupe to prove

Then view the alter’d looks of love.

All being well more of Caro’s story next week

If you would like to read my historical romance story that was inspired by Caroline’s life… it is available for pre-order The Dangerous Love of a Rogue, will be out in ebook in January and can be pre-ordered for Paperback release in March and don’t forget you can see images of my inspirations on my Jane Lark Facebook page, just click ‘Like‘ in the link on the sidebar to follow.

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Lady Caroline Lamb’s whole disgraceful truth… Part fourteen… Caro falls with a child

Sorry, it has been a few weeks since I last shared a part of Caroline’s true story, but I have had writing deadlines, so I had to press pause, but anyway, now Caro is back, and I will just dive into her story today. Here is the history of this series of posts for anyone joining today and as always if you are a regular follower, just skip to where I have highlighted the text bold.

When the Caroline and William began their married life, in their private apartment in the William’s parents’ home in London, they had an income from his father of £2,200 to live upon; which was in those days a considerable amount of money to a servant, but not for the aristocracy who were trying to uphold appearances, and especially for a young bride like Caroline who had a desire for the theatrical and liked to impress. She employed her own pages and dressed them in a livery she’d designed, with scarlet waistcoats, breeches, and a brown Hussar jacket, trimmed in red with six rows of round silver buttons. (I love Caro’s eccentricity – but it would probably not have seemed so eccentric then, flare and style was the DNA of elite society in England in the early 1800s, everyone wished to make their mark, and be admired).

You can image then that the couple were not pleased that when they were still only recently wed Edward’s sister’s wedding began to be planned. Emily Lamb was to be married on the 20th July to Lord Cowper, a wealthy, powerful, much older man. Emily was thrilled about the marriage, and must have bragged exuberantly. She wrote to her mother, and signed her name with a ring around it, which she called a ‘mythical ring‘ of ‘unaccountable power‘ – now do you see what I mean about the desire to impress. They were all at it.

William, being a Lamb, as I described in the last part, of course used to speak to Caro in ways which were not considered genteel. In the first months of their marriage he spoke to her about his previous love-affairs, including an infatuation for Caroline’s cousin, Lady Morpeth, whom he had spoken of his feelings too. You can imagine who wounded that must have made Caroline, feel and there are several letters in existence, in which she writes to her cousin about the things William has said, “I often talk to of you to William & am more delighted than I can tell you with the Frankness and affection with which he speaks of you. We agreed that if he had denied having felt a very strong attachment to you he might have been less guilty of of the charge of inconstancy but would have had many more faults to answer for— he is frankness itself., However & does not scruple to say he loved you very sincerely...” and perhaps this was a response to a charge of jealousy. “You are deteremined I find to write such wicked letters that I must either give you up for ever or scold you very—— jealous—— merciful heaven what words! If I was jealous you should drink slow poison every morning and if I was jealous I should hate you instead of which somehow or other you know I L….o….v….e you lady and therefore no more—-” And I love the way Caroline writes, with numerous expressions of her words.

However Little G, now Lady Morpeth, remained Caroline’s friend and her closest confident. It was G Caro asked for advice when she fell pregnant.

“am I with child G tell me fairly what you think & how you felt when you were so first, had you ever little unaccountable pains many fears that you were going to miscarry were you nervous apt to be frightened very hungry every day very sleepy and very languid and did a great deal of exercise give you a pain in your back, were you restless——-pray tell me also for I have nobody else to ask though it seems rather an extraordinary question to ask but is it bad for you to sleep (Caro underlined the word sleep in her letter) with your husband at the time in the most significant sense of the word—I am anxious to know for I must let nothing be done that can hurt my darling boy who I love already better than any thing”

I think Caroline’s letter to G is a wonderful insight into the words of a young Regency wife. But then Caroline gives a little more insight into her and William’s married life and how she felt about her husband.

“We are reading tolerably little & I see too little of William—today I lead a quite pleasant life but today for the first time I went out to shoot with him it was pretty to see the Dogs & my beautiful husband with all his black hair over his brows & a great colour from the eagerness & and animation he felt pacing over all the stubble fields with his gun on his shoulder & and me on his arm sometimes we rode & and then he brave and stoutly led my Horse. I was delighted till I saw one partridge killed and another wounded which though at too great a distance really to see I imagined & greatly disgusted I went away.” Caro was such a romantic, but romanticism was the culture of the age. Both for men and women. “Tell Car I am still as I was at Holy Well that is I am convinced the Mother of a beautiful boy. I am sure I feel the boy move—

Burn this immediately & if you tell Lord Morpeth a word of what I have said to you tremble at what I shall repeat to William” Thank heavens G did not burn it! I love these letters.

Poor Caroline’s pregnancy was not an easy one though, she records in a later letter to G “I was allarmed for I grew languid & had pains in my back weakness all over and ceased to be sick they confine me all day in an horizontal posture to a couch and in general make me dine upstairs.” There is another element of this letter though which I love. In my books I often describe affectionate couples, and I think it probably would not have been the case in the era all that much, and yet I’ve always believed there must have been some couples who were openly in love and affectionate, hear Caroline’s words “Lord and Lady Aberdeen flirt together au notre mode—Lady Abercon says if you will not repeat the joke “I come out from dinner and am almost always obliged to pull my veil over my face on one side Kat and Lord Aberdeen set on an arm chair so close that it is no matter whether they are embracing or no for a I defy a person to find out when they are not & if I turn the other way I see Caro and William very comfortably gone to bed in another part of the room on the couch”

Another thing I was thrilled to hear in Caroline’s letters to G, was an admission from Caro that they shared a bed every night, something which was not thought normal for the aristocracy but I put in my novels regardless. “since I wrote William left me for two days & a night for his detestable yoemanry dinner—I did not know before how cold and melancholy it was to sleep by yourself.”

Sadly though in the January 1806 on the 31st , Caro went into premature labour, she was right, it was a boy, and he was born on the 1st February 1806 but he lived only for a few hours, too small to survive, and I think what must have made the whole experience even worse for her, when she relied on William so much, he was not at home when she miscarried. He returned home to find his wife in bed, mourning the loss of their child and recovering from a traumatic labour. It must have struck at the foundation of their marriage. I wonder if Caro had had this child and if it had been fit and well, if that may have changed the outcome, if they futures would have run a different course. I do find Caroline’s life story very sad…

All being well, no deadlines… so more next week

If you would like to read my historical romance story that was inspired by Caroline’s life… it’s just coming up for pre-order The Dangerous Love of a Rogue, will be out in ebook in January and can be pre-ordered for Paperback release in March.

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